Regol

Life in FEUI is such an unending bliss. I just finished my 7th regol, only two to final. I was the one who picked up randomly because there's a joy in surprising class mates. So I could know more people from different backgrounds. But this time is different. I planned with whom I wanted to be with in every class. I'm settling down with some close friends.

I'm so old :''')

On one evening, I finally found a remedy. Although I lost such big times, I had really great time. Yeah I tell people different pieces of story. My bad. But good news is those different minds are plentiful basket of inspirations and answers to questions I can't answer myself. I'm so blessed.

PS : We definitely shouldn't be mad at people over some crazy expectations we tailor on their characters. It's their freedom to live their own. Get a life.

The Cruel, Cruel World

“We'd forgive most things if we knew the facts.” Graham Greene, The Heart of the Matter

A second to anger, hold on to yourself and see how much you actually are anxious, and most probably, mad at yourself. 

I recently figured out that people act as a form of manifestation of their own desperation, expectations and other influential backgrounds. 

I am....not good at maintaining relationships, with almost anyone. Yes, I admit it. I pick to whom I tell which stories. I barely spurt all things to one person. Risk diversification. Whatever, I only tell what I think someone deserves to know. 

And I just realize how hard it is to understand people. To also understand that their cruelties towards me is also constructed by fear, wounds and disbelief. Mostly I act the same way, I rarely a negative of the bad. 

I've grown up the hard way. I am a strong type.

And yes, most of the times, it is true.

But now, am I losing my strength? Or do I just need profound justification of my own disbelief towards anything important in life?

Do I sound too gloomy, eh? Hhh, no... this is only a consistent query, lately. 

Do I Miss You

I know you miss me. I know it. I just don't think I do too. I continued sleeping when you said that.

Blame this bustle.

Weird (Bad) Luck

These past days have been very weird. I've gone through several losses, but this time feels so different. It's just unexpected, like the whole universe is against me. I don't know why and I WILL always wonder why. Because I believe there must be something good behind this. Because I believe this is a meaningful journey I must pass through. And because simply I believe that God..doesn't play dice.
I'll be waiting for the hidden messages.

Little Freak

It's very preferable to have ability to let go and focus on other things quickly. But, I'm not that kind of person. I'm the one who makes plans and wants to have it all done my kind-of-perfect sequence. I'm insane. I'm dying inside.

If it really is mine to hold, what's the point of crying out?

I'm On The Edge

12:13. Kurang dari 12 jam sebelum tahun berganti jadi 2013. Gosh, this year has been flying at the speed of light. And I'm just missing my old excitement of new year euphoria.

Kenapa ya? Apa karena udah tua? Apa karena merasa materi ujian belum dipahami betul?

Entahlah, mungkin sekarang lebih asyik melihat sejenak ke belakang. Oh yeah, this year was such an awesome blast. Sepertinya semua rasa bener-bener dihadapi tahun ini. I feel complete as a human. Seneng, sedih, excited, lost, terharu, absurd, flat, butterfly in my stomach. Haha semua deh. Se-complete itu :'')

Seorang teman meramal peruntungan saya di 2012 di penghujung 2011. It turned out that ramalannya partly true, but mostly not as far as I remember. Mungkin karena ramalannya waktu itu bikin saya insecure mati-matian. Sampai saya tidur ga tenang supaya ga kejadian.

And maybe it's true for future-forecaster. Nobody, no single breathing-creature bisa meramal exactly masa depan kayak apa. We try as much as possible to predict future while we are silently aware that the joy of living lies in the mysteries it holds. We're just simply addicted to surprises. But we deny it, we simplify our lives, we minimize our risk of being hurt.

Tapi ada satu rasa yang paling bikin saya damai di siang hari yang indah ini: thankfulness. Ibadah minggu terakhir di 2012bener-bener menampar saya tepat di pipi. "Hidup ini hanya kasih karunia Tuhan," gitu kata Bu Pendeta. Exactly seperti yang secara magis berseliweran di hati dan pikiran saya belakangan ini.

Anehnya lagi, semalam sebelumnya,saya menatap mata seorang random di jalan yang somehow membuat saya ngerasa kalau saya perlu berbuat sesuatu, giving back to the universe that has been fulfilling my life.

Mungkin 2013 akan menjawab pertanyaan saya akan real passion saya, akan mau dibawa kemana hidup setelah lulus dari kampus kesayangan. Mungkin 2013 saya akan pergi ke suatu tempat random yang akan mengubah hidup saya selamanya. Mungkin saya akan jatuh dan sakit bgt untuk dapat jawaban tentang hal-hal krusial yang sering saya tanyakan.

Apapun itu, above anything, I just want to feel alive, to possess passionate excitements towards life. Dan saya tahu salah satu yang bisa bikin itu ya cuma dengan bermimpi...mimpi yang impossible sampai ga tenang buat tidur, menangis, dan bersujud di hadapan Yang Maha Kuasa.

Eventually, thank you very much, my dear 2012. It's been a superb, no, awesome, no..ah I just can't find appropriate word to describe you. It's been a ya-you-feel-it year.

And for you, the upcoming year, I'm ready for your mysterious surprises.

BRING IT ON! :D