Alasan

Manusia butuh alasan. Yang lebih besar dari dirinya sendiri.
Untuk mengerjakan hal yang lebih penting (bukan) bagi dirinya sendiri.

Satu Lagi

Dua dari 365 hari hampir lewat di usia baru ini. Cepat sekali. Rasanya baru saja membalas semua ucapan selamat, berterima kasih untuk doa-doa, dan tertawa di kejutan ulang tahun; kini hari baru bahkan sudah mau usai. Mungkin waktu memang berakselerasi di dekade baru. Dekade kepala dua rasanya akan cepat berlalu, meski banyak hal penting (seharusnya) terjadi. 

Pergantian hari adalah sesuatu yang amat biasa, tidak istimewa. Sebenarnya yang lazim disebut ultah tahun adalah ketika hari berganti dan putaran berulang lagi sehingga ditambahkan satu angka pada tahun - sekadar untuk mempermudah pengukuran usia. Angka satu tahun memang signifikan karena sesungguhnya semua orang kehilangan masa setiap saat. Jadi, kadang saya berharap ada transformasi besar-besaran di hari jadi.

Nyatanya, tidak. Saya masih manusia yang sama. Pola hari kemarin, hari ini, dan hari-hari lain pun mungkin akan sama.  Meskipun demikian, saya tahu akan ada hal-hal berbeda terjadi. Satu hari saya akan di satu tempat, di waktu lain saya merasakan sesuatu, dan di kesempatan lain saya akan bertemu orang-orang baru. Inilah mungkin yang membuat setiap waktu begitu istimewa. Perjalanan ini seperti terdiri dari rentetan kejadian yang berbeda, namun dengan pola yang mirip.

Bagian-bagian kecil yang disebut perasaan, kejadian, dan lain sebagainya, sungguh patut dirayakan. Mungkin bila tidak melihat ke belakang, bagian-bagian kecil itu jadi tidak bermakna. Dua puluh satu tahun sudah perjalanan saya. Dan saya belajar bersyukur atas bagian-bagian kecil yang membentuk keseluruhan besar perjalanan ini. Yang paling membuat saya bersyukur, saya tidak menikmatinya sendirian. Ada orang-orang lain yang ambil andil dalam perjalanan saya, bahkan beberapa di antara mereka adalah alasan saya jadi orang yang sangat bahagia kemarin.

Saya sempat berpikir apakah saya layak atas kasih sayang dan perhatian dari orang-orang tersebut. Rasanya saya belum pernah berbuat sebaik yang mereka lakukan. Tapi kalau dunia selalu ditimbang berdasarkan "kebaikan yang diterima berbanding lurus kebaikan yang diberi", sepertinya keseimbangan itu akan jadi satu-satunya keseimbangan yang tidak ideal, yang sia-sia. Tidak ada keistimewaan dan perayaan sukacita dari kelurusan itu. Karena itu, terima kasih, terima kasih buat setiap mereka yang membuat hari saya kemarin begitu istimewa. Tapi terlepas kemarin, terima kasih buat pengalaman yang saya nikmati dari mengenal Anda sekalian - dan Anda-Anda lain yang sayangnya melewatkan perayaan bahagia saya kemarin.

Terlebih bila saya ingat semua pengalaman dan kejadian yang terjadi, terutama di usia 20 kemarin. Tahun lalu adalah tamparan yang membukakan mata saya tentang siapa saya dan yang saya pikir adalah saya. Saya amat jauh dari kata pantas. Namun, (buat saya), saya masih diizinkan menerima bagian yang begitu luar biasa. Banyak hal penting terjadi tahun lalu yang membuat saya menyadari bahwa ada yang mengatur segalanya. Terima kasih, terima kasih yang begitu besar teruntuk kepada Sang Pengatur. 

Akhirnya, setelah hiruk pikuk selesai, realita kembali mengetuk. Tiga ratus sekian hari lagi sebelum putaran tahun mulai lagi dari nol. Semua masa punya misterinya masing-masing. Jiwa muda saya serasa ingin menantang apapun, mencicipi segala perasaan, dan mencoba semua yang diinginkan. Tapi, dalam hati, saya amat gentar membayangkan segala kemungkinan yang bisa ditawarkan hidup.

Mungkin satu-satunya kontrol yang bisa saya lakukan adalah penyerahan diri. Bahwa pada akhirnya, ada Satu yang paling menyayangi saya di atas segalanya. Yang mengizinkan semuanya terjadi dan yang melindungi saya hingga garis akhir. Putaran ini dan seterusnya saya percayakan pada Sang Pelindung. 

Terima kasih untuk satu tahun lagi karya-Mu yang ajaib, The Divinity.

Lucu

Hidup itu suka melucu, ya. Kalau merasa cocok, malah menghilang. 
Sedangkan yang begitu ingin, dirasa tidak pas. 
Ah, mungkin memang masih waktunya bermain-main... 
dengan waktu, yang tidak pernah kalah.

Sovereign

I have learned a bit that it is hard to control variables in social sciences' research. To daily life, this is so applicable. To limit our current consciousness -and feelings- only to present circumstances is immensely difficult. To be affected by previous happenings and future hope is indeed very human.

But sometimes, we need to put ourselves only at the present time. There are often too much distractions we need to avoid in order to keep ourselves on the ground. We need to gain control over ourselves.

This is just a never-ending battle between what we should be and what we are. All I know is that it has always been easier to stay on our default settings, the what-we-are.

However, only when we win this battle would we declare ourselves sovereign.

So This Is It

I have been excited about my own birthday since forever. I remember hanging on my mom's legs and looking up above to tell her I was going to have my 5th birthday the next day. I was simply happy. Although my chemistry test result was burned out on my birthday, I was still happy. Even though I was crying over spilled birthday cake, I was still as happy as I could be. I celebrate, I contemplate, I am surrounded by loved ones. That is just enough to me.
I just turned 20 yesterday and right now, I just felt different.
Not that I did not celebrate or contemplate or surrounded by loved ones.
This time... I just felt contented. 
If some people said one changing year is a subtraction to lifetime, I would prefer to take it as cynical, without any grounds. I feel my glass is full and to me, knowing that one more decade is over in tremendously fascinating way, I cannot be more grateful.
So this is it. A whole new year, a whole new decade. If the past decade had moved me through one school to another, this decade I would face much different situation. Between student and professional, between professional and family-person. How fast time flies... How unbelievable influences I was exposed to have made me the way I am today.

Thereofore, I am writing this post for sending my unnoticed gratitude to anyone who has, aware or not, brought me to this point of life. Be it long forgotten friends, unrequited love(s), random strangers, or maybe you, who is not a stranger at all but distant at any extents.

Thank you, people, for letting universe collide your life paths to mine. Take care, have a great life and see you someday, perhaps.

Good night.

[This Sounds Horrible]

For the first time in my life, I'm losing reasons to be awake. I'm half-dead.
I have plans ahead but I choose to sleep instead. I'm losing the answers to "why?".
Where else should I look for the answers?

Regol

Life in FEUI is such an unending bliss. I just finished my 7th regol, only two to final. I was the one who picked up randomly because there's a joy in surprising class mates. So I could know more people from different backgrounds. But this time is different. I planned with whom I wanted to be with in every class. I'm settling down with some close friends.

I'm so old :''')

I'm On The Edge

12:13. Kurang dari 12 jam sebelum tahun berganti jadi 2013. Gosh, this year has been flying at the speed of light. And I'm just missing my old excitement of new year euphoria.

Kenapa ya? Apa karena udah tua? Apa karena merasa materi ujian belum dipahami betul?

Entahlah, mungkin sekarang lebih asyik melihat sejenak ke belakang. Oh yeah, this year was such an awesome blast. Sepertinya semua rasa bener-bener dihadapi tahun ini. I feel complete as a human. Seneng, sedih, excited, lost, terharu, absurd, flat, butterfly in my stomach. Haha semua deh. Se-complete itu :'')

Seorang teman meramal peruntungan saya di 2012 di penghujung 2011. It turned out that ramalannya partly true, but mostly not as far as I remember. Mungkin karena ramalannya waktu itu bikin saya insecure mati-matian. Sampai saya tidur ga tenang supaya ga kejadian.

And maybe it's true for future-forecaster. Nobody, no single breathing-creature bisa meramal exactly masa depan kayak apa. We try as much as possible to predict future while we are silently aware that the joy of living lies in the mysteries it holds. We're just simply addicted to surprises. But we deny it, we simplify our lives, we minimize our risk of being hurt.

Tapi ada satu rasa yang paling bikin saya damai di siang hari yang indah ini: thankfulness. Ibadah minggu terakhir di 2012bener-bener menampar saya tepat di pipi. "Hidup ini hanya kasih karunia Tuhan," gitu kata Bu Pendeta. Exactly seperti yang secara magis berseliweran di hati dan pikiran saya belakangan ini.

Anehnya lagi, semalam sebelumnya,saya menatap mata seorang random di jalan yang somehow membuat saya ngerasa kalau saya perlu berbuat sesuatu, giving back to the universe that has been fulfilling my life.

Mungkin 2013 akan menjawab pertanyaan saya akan real passion saya, akan mau dibawa kemana hidup setelah lulus dari kampus kesayangan. Mungkin 2013 saya akan pergi ke suatu tempat random yang akan mengubah hidup saya selamanya. Mungkin saya akan jatuh dan sakit bgt untuk dapat jawaban tentang hal-hal krusial yang sering saya tanyakan.

Apapun itu, above anything, I just want to feel alive, to possess passionate excitements towards life. Dan saya tahu salah satu yang bisa bikin itu ya cuma dengan bermimpi...mimpi yang impossible sampai ga tenang buat tidur, menangis, dan bersujud di hadapan Yang Maha Kuasa.

Eventually, thank you very much, my dear 2012. It's been a superb, no, awesome, no..ah I just can't find appropriate word to describe you. It's been a ya-you-feel-it year.

And for you, the upcoming year, I'm ready for your mysterious surprises.

BRING IT ON! :D

Know Now

It recently clears to me that the first and foremost thing is sometimes behind the bars of society's "credential". How well environment could shape you, try to define who you are. And it's most likely for you to be trapped into that giant ease, leaving you with whole emptiness.

Guess what...it's the trick. Once you lose a grip, you'll be just running round and round. Because you have nowhere to go, you know no direction.

New Encounter

I've spent much time looking for a remedy out of daily routines. It's never been right with food, because I gain weight easily. Also not working on alcoholic beverage or cigarette, because my mind doesn't find it delicious. Shopping is only a short getaway, leaving guilty pleasure each time transaction has been finished.

So, I just had a new encounter. Stepping my feet on the ground I've never walked before. Stressing over unsuccessful map reading. Shocking after unpredictable food taste. And also, the most important of all: deadly feeling of longing for people-I-care-the-most's presence.

This might be not a huge deal but the idea of visiting new places really is a life-changing experience. It leaves me a big question: why do I always take things for granted? Why can't I, instead of hating it, appreciate the quirky findings I often meet back there?

In fact, no matter how hateful I was, I found myself looking back at those pictures and suddenly missed ever single thing. Nobody knows whether I'll come back someday. Nobody knows whether it will remain the same (most probably, not). And soon I realize that...even doing groceries won't be just ordinary, again.

Lesson Learned

I just learned that the biggest failures of my past are the ones I'm most thankful about.


:)

A Kind of Faith

There's no single way out for every trouble...for God is too marvelous.
And I don't wanna give up... for fate is constantly moving, towards predefined will. 
This is how I know that... He never fails.

When My Soul Sings

At some points of life, I often feel overwhelmed by the fact that my soul is full of thirst. I can't stand doing the same thing for moderately long time. And now I'm longing for something unknown.

I Got Mine from Aleph, Perhaps

I must say that Aleph's biggest influence to mine is its lesson that every problem is a new encounter. I guess it applies now. Reading Marissa Mayer's story and I just got stunned, what will she do after this top of the world? Or...is it really the top?

Do we really reach our goal at a certain defined position? And will our specific end define our success? Will it even matter?

Are my sentences standing adjacent to each other?

Run Run Run

And this is me. Amazed to witness how fast time goes by. You know, I'm hoping I'm part of this time machine.

Note to Self

Been overpowered by sidejob things, I let myself drowned in an ambiguos ambition.

Yes, it's a lifetime goal, but how could I sell my heart to mugger for achieving it?

Okay, let's get it clearer. Sometimes, we put so much weigh on our dream that we overprice it and let go things that are more precious.

These are what I learn:

First of all, never put your heart in auction. Why? Simply because by not loving what you do, you might still get your so-called target but never satisfy your soul. So when you know it's not going to be something your heart would be happy for, just stop. And if you know the way to it is no longer true, just get away.

Secondly, though you know you can not stop time, do grab some minutes from working time and contemplate life in a slow motion.

Hopefully work. Fingers crossed.

Journey to The Past

The very main reason of having a blog (though this doesn't seem like a maintained one) is to reread some parts of life that mind can not easily recall if there's no trigger. I just did it. I tried to catch up with what I exactly meant on every word. And it's pretty ruthless because every post speaks figuratively. I was afraid of speaking in denotative sayings. I even deleted some posts which are vivid, in a meaning that you (reader, if there's any, well, I believe there are some) are able to easily make a guess of what was actually happening. Funny, I was the writer who can not apprehend what I actually said by writing this and that.

But I became disappointed of myself to find out that I did delete some personal notes or signs or anything that no one but me can reopen the box only because I was afraid to get hurt once more. Though from the moment I entered delete button I knew that someday I would be in favor to make a visit, it still happened. 

I want them back, I want it restored. 

And yeah, thanks anyone who discovered blog, a storage of memories. As my gratitude, I'll share you how life is going. 

Every Single Day of Holi-day

I should punish myself for this laziness.

The remark stays on my mind and keeps playing on everytime body stays on couch wanting not to go elsewhere. This is holiday. So true. But I've changed into a creature I can't even recognize whose guiltiness haunts while life overwhelms.

It is not fair. I want me back.

I'd never been this conscious about this point until what happened last night. How could things be so... perishable? Have you ever wondered why your good friends back then in kindergarten or elementary school or whatever you name it are no longer that close to you? Have you ever asked why does time take away some parts of you? It sometimes doesn't replace them with new ones.

Things do end, some in hard way. For any relationships, remember what The Sims teach you, even lovers may turn into acquaintances.

Grrgh

Dear something-on-my-mind-which-keeps-me-sleeping-early,


I hate you. I hate you for letting myself feel tired and not finishing my tasks.
How to make you go.....? I wanna have sleepless nights like others do.



With hatred and curses,

Someone who-sleeps-more-than-6-hours-a-day.