I'm On The Edge

12:13. Kurang dari 12 jam sebelum tahun berganti jadi 2013. Gosh, this year has been flying at the speed of light. And I'm just missing my old excitement of new year euphoria.

Kenapa ya? Apa karena udah tua? Apa karena merasa materi ujian belum dipahami betul?

Entahlah, mungkin sekarang lebih asyik melihat sejenak ke belakang. Oh yeah, this year was such an awesome blast. Sepertinya semua rasa bener-bener dihadapi tahun ini. I feel complete as a human. Seneng, sedih, excited, lost, terharu, absurd, flat, butterfly in my stomach. Haha semua deh. Se-complete itu :'')

Seorang teman meramal peruntungan saya di 2012 di penghujung 2011. It turned out that ramalannya partly true, but mostly not as far as I remember. Mungkin karena ramalannya waktu itu bikin saya insecure mati-matian. Sampai saya tidur ga tenang supaya ga kejadian.

And maybe it's true for future-forecaster. Nobody, no single breathing-creature bisa meramal exactly masa depan kayak apa. We try as much as possible to predict future while we are silently aware that the joy of living lies in the mysteries it holds. We're just simply addicted to surprises. But we deny it, we simplify our lives, we minimize our risk of being hurt.

Tapi ada satu rasa yang paling bikin saya damai di siang hari yang indah ini: thankfulness. Ibadah minggu terakhir di 2012bener-bener menampar saya tepat di pipi. "Hidup ini hanya kasih karunia Tuhan," gitu kata Bu Pendeta. Exactly seperti yang secara magis berseliweran di hati dan pikiran saya belakangan ini.

Anehnya lagi, semalam sebelumnya,saya menatap mata seorang random di jalan yang somehow membuat saya ngerasa kalau saya perlu berbuat sesuatu, giving back to the universe that has been fulfilling my life.

Mungkin 2013 akan menjawab pertanyaan saya akan real passion saya, akan mau dibawa kemana hidup setelah lulus dari kampus kesayangan. Mungkin 2013 saya akan pergi ke suatu tempat random yang akan mengubah hidup saya selamanya. Mungkin saya akan jatuh dan sakit bgt untuk dapat jawaban tentang hal-hal krusial yang sering saya tanyakan.

Apapun itu, above anything, I just want to feel alive, to possess passionate excitements towards life. Dan saya tahu salah satu yang bisa bikin itu ya cuma dengan bermimpi...mimpi yang impossible sampai ga tenang buat tidur, menangis, dan bersujud di hadapan Yang Maha Kuasa.

Eventually, thank you very much, my dear 2012. It's been a superb, no, awesome, no..ah I just can't find appropriate word to describe you. It's been a ya-you-feel-it year.

And for you, the upcoming year, I'm ready for your mysterious surprises.

BRING IT ON! :D

Haru Biru

Dua hari setelah Hari Ibu. Belum tuntas euforianya. Lagunya beneran dinyanyiin Sabtu kemarin. Suasana jadi haru biru. 

Mother, how are you today?

Here is a note from your daughter.

With me everything is ok.

Mother, how are you today?

Mother, don't worry, I'm fine.

I promise to see you this summer.

This time there will be no delay.

Mother, how are you today?

I found the man of my dreams.

Next time you will get to know him.

Many things happened while I was away.

Mother, how are you today?

Suatu saat harus bener-bener bisa nyanyi lagu ini di suatu negeri nan jauh di sana (amin).

Just Now

It just got me stunned to know that the more world's treasures we own, the more we need to hold back and not to spend it only for ourselves in order to keep us sane. It's fair enough.

Know Now

It recently clears to me that the first and foremost thing is sometimes behind the bars of society's "credential". How well environment could shape you, try to define who you are. And it's most likely for you to be trapped into that giant ease, leaving you with whole emptiness.

Guess what...it's the trick. Once you lose a grip, you'll be just running round and round. Because you have nowhere to go, you know no direction.

Lately

Don't rush things as there's always time for everything. Stand up little longer and just be thankful. For today. For yesterday. And for tomorrow. :)

New Encounter

I've spent much time looking for a remedy out of daily routines. It's never been right with food, because I gain weight easily. Also not working on alcoholic beverage or cigarette, because my mind doesn't find it delicious. Shopping is only a short getaway, leaving guilty pleasure each time transaction has been finished.

So, I just had a new encounter. Stepping my feet on the ground I've never walked before. Stressing over unsuccessful map reading. Shocking after unpredictable food taste. And also, the most important of all: deadly feeling of longing for people-I-care-the-most's presence.

This might be not a huge deal but the idea of visiting new places really is a life-changing experience. It leaves me a big question: why do I always take things for granted? Why can't I, instead of hating it, appreciate the quirky findings I often meet back there?

In fact, no matter how hateful I was, I found myself looking back at those pictures and suddenly missed ever single thing. Nobody knows whether I'll come back someday. Nobody knows whether it will remain the same (most probably, not). And soon I realize that...even doing groceries won't be just ordinary, again.

Someday

So someday if I am about to be smug, remind me that along the way there are people who are generous enough to lend me part of their lives or their lives as a whole to get me up there. I will have literally had taken their helps.
And by doing that, I would know that...nothing to boast about.

Useful List

I found this relieving letter. Expressively written by Ben Jones, ex Director of Communications for MIT Office of Admissions. Though it's a little late for me, since I'm now at my 3rd year (gosh, time does fly on a spaceship), I still found this very useful. Enjoy.

Dear Class of 2010,

This will be my last entry written specifically for you; beginning with the launch of our new site in early September, I'll begin focusing on the future class of 2011. I hope that you guys won't be strangers; stay in touch either in person (come visit us!) or online (please drop by the blogs from time to time and say hi).

As you begin your college experience, and I prepare for my 10-year college reunion, I thought I'd leave you with the things that, in retrospect, I think are important as you navigate the next four years. I hope that some of them are helpful.

Here goes...

1. Your friends will change a lot over the next four years. Let them.
2. Call someone you love back home a few times a week, even if just for a few minutes.
3. In college more than ever before, songs will attach themselves to memories. Every month or two, make a mix cd, mp3 folder, whatever - just make sure you keep copies of these songs. Ten years out, they'll be as effective as a journal in taking you back to your favorite moments.
4. Take naps in the middle of the afternoon with reckless abandon.
5. Adjust your schedule around when you are most productive and creative. If you're nocturnal and do your best work late at night, embrace that. It may be the only time in your life when you can.
6. If you write your best papers the night before they are due, don't let people tell you that you "should be more organized" or that you "should plan better." Different things work for different people. Personally, I worked best under pressure - so I always procrastinated... and always kicked ass (which annoyed my friends to no end). ;-) Use the freedom that comes with not having grades first semester to experiment and see what works best for you.
7. At least a few times in your college career, do something fun and irresponsible when you should be studying. The night before my freshman year psych final, my roommate somehow scored front row seats to the Indigo Girls at a venue 2 hours away. I didn't do so well on the final, but I haven't thought about psych since 1993. I've thought about the experience of going to that show (with the guy who is now my son's godfather) at least once a month ever since.
8. Become friends with your favorite professors. Recognize that they can learn from you too - in fact, that's part of the reason they chose to be professors.
9. Carve out an hour every single day to be alone. (Sleeping doesn't count.)
10. Go on dates. Don't feel like every date has to turn into a relationship.
11. Don't date someone your roommate has been in a relationship with.
12. When your friends' parents visit, include them. You'll get free food, etc., and you'll help them to feel like they're cool, hangin' with the hip college kids.
13. In the first month of college, send a hand-written letter to someone who made college possible for you and describe your adventures thus far. It will mean a lot to him/her now, and it will mean a lot to you in ten years when he/she shows it to you.
14. Embrace the differences between you and your classmates. Always be asking yourself, "what can I learn from this person?" More of your education will come from this than from any classroom.
15. All-nighters are entirely overrated.
16. For those of you who have come to college in a long-distance relationship with someone from high school: despite what many will tell you, it can work. The key is to not let your relationship interfere with your college experience. If you don't want to date anyone else, that's totally fine! What's not fine, however, is missing out on a lot of defining experiences because you're on the phone with your boyfriend/girlfriend for three hours every day.
17. Working things out between friends is best done in person, not over email. (IM does not count as "in person.") Often someone's facial expressions will tell you more than his/her words.
18. Take risks.
19. Don't be afraid of (or excited by) the co-ed bathrooms. The thrill is over in about 2 seconds.
20. Wednesday is the middle of the week; therefore on wednesday night the week is more than half over. You should celebrate accordingly. (It makes thursday and friday a lot more fun.)
21. Welcome failure into your lives. It's how we grow. What matters is not that you failed, but that you recovered.
22. Take some classes that have nothing to do with your major(s), purely for the fun of it.
23. It's important to think about the future, but it's more important to be present in the now. You won't get the most out of college if you think of it as a stepping stone.
24. When you're living on a college campus with 400 things going on every second of every day, watching TV is pretty much a waste of your time and a waste of your parents' money. If you're going to watch, watch with friends so at least you can call it a "valuable social experience."
25. Don't be afraid to fall in love. When it happens, don't take it for granted. Celebrate it, but don't let it define your college experience.
26. Much of the time you once had for pleasure reading is going to disappear. Keep a list of the books you would have read had you had the time, so that you can start reading them when you graduate.
27. Things that seem like the end of the world really do become funny with a little time and distance. Knowing this, forget the embarassment and skip to the good part.
28. Every once in awhile, there will come an especially powerful moment when you can actually feel that an experience has changed who you are. Embrace these, even if they are painful.
29. No matter what your political or religious beliefs, be open-minded. You're going to be challenged over the next four years in ways you can't imagine, across all fronts. You can't learn if you're closed off.
30. If you need to get a job, find something that you actually enjoy. Just because it's work doesn't mean it has to suck.
31. Don't always lead. It's good to follow sometimes.
32. Take a lot of pictures. One of my major regrets in life is that I didn't take more pictures in college. My excuse was the cost of film and processing. Digital cameras are cheap and you have plenty of hard drive space, so you have no excuse.
33. Your health and safety are more important than anything.
34. Ask for help. Often.
35. Half of you will be in the bottom half of your class at any given moment. Way more than half of you will be in the bottom half of your class at some point in the next four years. Get used to it.
36. In ten years very few of you will look as good as you do right now, so secretly revel in how hot you are before it's too late.
37. In the long run, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as what you do with the opportunities you're given there. The MIT name on your resume won't mean much if that's the only thing on your resume. As a student here, you will have access to a variety of unique opportunities that no one else will ever have - don't waste them.
38. On the flip side, don't try to do everything. Balance = well-being.
39. Make perspective a priority. If you're too close to something to have good perspective, rely on your friends to help you.
40. Eat badly sometimes. It's the last time in your life when you can do this without feeling guilty about it.
41. Make a complete ass of yourself at least once, preferably more. It builds character.
42. Wash your sheets more than once a year. Trust me on this one.
43. If you are in a relationship and none of your friends want to hang out with you and your significant other, pay attention. They usually know better than you do.
44. Don't be afraid of the weird pizza topping combinations that your new friend from across the country loves. Some of the truly awful ones actually taste pretty good. Expand your horizons.
45. Explore the campus thoroughly. Don't get caught.
46. Life is too short to stick with a course of study that you're no longer excited about. Switch, even if it complicates things.
47. Tattoos are permanent. Be very certain.
48. Don't make fun of prefrosh. That was you like 2 hours ago.
49. Enjoy every second of the next four years. It is impossible to describe how quickly they pass.
50. This is the only time in your lives when your only real responsibility is to learn. Try to remember how lucky you are every day.

Be yourself. Create. Inspire, and be inspired. Grow. Laugh. Learn. Love.

Welcome to some of the best years of your lives.

-B

:'')

Lesson Learned

I just learned that the biggest failures of my past are the ones I'm most thankful about.


:)

A Kind of Faith

There's no single way out for every trouble...for God is too marvelous.
And I don't wanna give up... for fate is constantly moving, towards predefined will. 
This is how I know that... He never fails.

When My Soul Sings

At some points of life, I often feel overwhelmed by the fact that my soul is full of thirst. I can't stand doing the same thing for moderately long time. And now I'm longing for something unknown.

Considering

I sluggishly head to complete my puzzle of a partner figure. Half-surprised, I'm trying not to look back yet fully understood I haven't found one. Beneath all, I'm consciously aware that they're rare in numbers.

I keep my faith boldly that he's somewhere in the crowd, or in silence, anyway.

I Got Mine from Aleph, Perhaps

I must say that Aleph's biggest influence to mine is its lesson that every problem is a new encounter. I guess it applies now. Reading Marissa Mayer's story and I just got stunned, what will she do after this top of the world? Or...is it really the top?

Do we really reach our goal at a certain defined position? And will our specific end define our success? Will it even matter?

Are my sentences standing adjacent to each other?

Still

Yes, I'm looking for reasons to meet you.

Yes, I'm looking for reasons to talk to you.

Because I'm still clueless about you.

Because I'm curious about your mystery.

But remain that way. 

Because it's only imagination to play on.

Of the Day

"There's no failure greater than watching your loved ones torn apart while you can do nothing to help."

Lidah tercekat. Aku terlalu malu untuk bilang. Rindu.


Ah, hidup di sini terlalu hingar-bingar.
Hingga aku abai mendengar.
Kalau kau bicara nanar.


Tapi akan aku sampaikan salammu pada ambisi.
Biar dimakan habis tak bersisa.
Apa yang seharusnya aku nikmati.


Sudahlah. Yang penting kau tidak lupa.
Pernah berjanji tidak akan berhenti.
Mengetuk nurani.

Salam kasih dari yang terkasih.

Jakarta,  28 Mei 2012

Digitally Old

In the world where information is too easy to obtain, I should have known your siblings, parents, your high school memories, or your daily thoughts by now.

But still, I have no clue at all.

It's just like moving forward on the fast train while everybody, except you, heads toward. Not sure if it's you being ancient or it's your nature to be mysterious.



Whatever.

Be My April

It's only when you want something so badly that you can reach this kind of feeling.

An odd heartbeat that can only be detected when your attempt is either successful or even useless.

But you know that one day when the day has finally come, you'll look behind and smile...for what you've tried, for each failure, for each clarity, for everything.

...And now, let's head toward. 

Run Run Run

And this is me. Amazed to witness how fast time goes by. You know, I'm hoping I'm part of this time machine.

Note to Self

Been overpowered by sidejob things, I let myself drowned in an ambiguos ambition.

Yes, it's a lifetime goal, but how could I sell my heart to mugger for achieving it?

Okay, let's get it clearer. Sometimes, we put so much weigh on our dream that we overprice it and let go things that are more precious.

These are what I learn:

First of all, never put your heart in auction. Why? Simply because by not loving what you do, you might still get your so-called target but never satisfy your soul. So when you know it's not going to be something your heart would be happy for, just stop. And if you know the way to it is no longer true, just get away.

Secondly, though you know you can not stop time, do grab some minutes from working time and contemplate life in a slow motion.

Hopefully work. Fingers crossed.

Journey to The Past

The very main reason of having a blog (though this doesn't seem like a maintained one) is to reread some parts of life that mind can not easily recall if there's no trigger. I just did it. I tried to catch up with what I exactly meant on every word. And it's pretty ruthless because every post speaks figuratively. I was afraid of speaking in denotative sayings. I even deleted some posts which are vivid, in a meaning that you (reader, if there's any, well, I believe there are some) are able to easily make a guess of what was actually happening. Funny, I was the writer who can not apprehend what I actually said by writing this and that.

But I became disappointed of myself to find out that I did delete some personal notes or signs or anything that no one but me can reopen the box only because I was afraid to get hurt once more. Though from the moment I entered delete button I knew that someday I would be in favor to make a visit, it still happened. 

I want them back, I want it restored. 

And yeah, thanks anyone who discovered blog, a storage of memories. As my gratitude, I'll share you how life is going. 

Every Single Day of Holi-day

I should punish myself for this laziness.

The remark stays on my mind and keeps playing on everytime body stays on couch wanting not to go elsewhere. This is holiday. So true. But I've changed into a creature I can't even recognize whose guiltiness haunts while life overwhelms.

It is not fair. I want me back.