Alasan

Manusia butuh alasan. Yang lebih besar dari dirinya sendiri.
Untuk mengerjakan hal yang lebih penting (bukan) bagi dirinya sendiri.

Satu Lagi

Dua dari 365 hari hampir lewat di usia baru ini. Cepat sekali. Rasanya baru saja membalas semua ucapan selamat, berterima kasih untuk doa-doa, dan tertawa di kejutan ulang tahun; kini hari baru bahkan sudah mau usai. Mungkin waktu memang berakselerasi di dekade baru. Dekade kepala dua rasanya akan cepat berlalu, meski banyak hal penting (seharusnya) terjadi. 

Pergantian hari adalah sesuatu yang amat biasa, tidak istimewa. Sebenarnya yang lazim disebut ultah tahun adalah ketika hari berganti dan putaran berulang lagi sehingga ditambahkan satu angka pada tahun - sekadar untuk mempermudah pengukuran usia. Angka satu tahun memang signifikan karena sesungguhnya semua orang kehilangan masa setiap saat. Jadi, kadang saya berharap ada transformasi besar-besaran di hari jadi.

Nyatanya, tidak. Saya masih manusia yang sama. Pola hari kemarin, hari ini, dan hari-hari lain pun mungkin akan sama.  Meskipun demikian, saya tahu akan ada hal-hal berbeda terjadi. Satu hari saya akan di satu tempat, di waktu lain saya merasakan sesuatu, dan di kesempatan lain saya akan bertemu orang-orang baru. Inilah mungkin yang membuat setiap waktu begitu istimewa. Perjalanan ini seperti terdiri dari rentetan kejadian yang berbeda, namun dengan pola yang mirip.

Bagian-bagian kecil yang disebut perasaan, kejadian, dan lain sebagainya, sungguh patut dirayakan. Mungkin bila tidak melihat ke belakang, bagian-bagian kecil itu jadi tidak bermakna. Dua puluh satu tahun sudah perjalanan saya. Dan saya belajar bersyukur atas bagian-bagian kecil yang membentuk keseluruhan besar perjalanan ini. Yang paling membuat saya bersyukur, saya tidak menikmatinya sendirian. Ada orang-orang lain yang ambil andil dalam perjalanan saya, bahkan beberapa di antara mereka adalah alasan saya jadi orang yang sangat bahagia kemarin.

Saya sempat berpikir apakah saya layak atas kasih sayang dan perhatian dari orang-orang tersebut. Rasanya saya belum pernah berbuat sebaik yang mereka lakukan. Tapi kalau dunia selalu ditimbang berdasarkan "kebaikan yang diterima berbanding lurus kebaikan yang diberi", sepertinya keseimbangan itu akan jadi satu-satunya keseimbangan yang tidak ideal, yang sia-sia. Tidak ada keistimewaan dan perayaan sukacita dari kelurusan itu. Karena itu, terima kasih, terima kasih buat setiap mereka yang membuat hari saya kemarin begitu istimewa. Tapi terlepas kemarin, terima kasih buat pengalaman yang saya nikmati dari mengenal Anda sekalian - dan Anda-Anda lain yang sayangnya melewatkan perayaan bahagia saya kemarin.

Terlebih bila saya ingat semua pengalaman dan kejadian yang terjadi, terutama di usia 20 kemarin. Tahun lalu adalah tamparan yang membukakan mata saya tentang siapa saya dan yang saya pikir adalah saya. Saya amat jauh dari kata pantas. Namun, (buat saya), saya masih diizinkan menerima bagian yang begitu luar biasa. Banyak hal penting terjadi tahun lalu yang membuat saya menyadari bahwa ada yang mengatur segalanya. Terima kasih, terima kasih yang begitu besar teruntuk kepada Sang Pengatur. 

Akhirnya, setelah hiruk pikuk selesai, realita kembali mengetuk. Tiga ratus sekian hari lagi sebelum putaran tahun mulai lagi dari nol. Semua masa punya misterinya masing-masing. Jiwa muda saya serasa ingin menantang apapun, mencicipi segala perasaan, dan mencoba semua yang diinginkan. Tapi, dalam hati, saya amat gentar membayangkan segala kemungkinan yang bisa ditawarkan hidup.

Mungkin satu-satunya kontrol yang bisa saya lakukan adalah penyerahan diri. Bahwa pada akhirnya, ada Satu yang paling menyayangi saya di atas segalanya. Yang mengizinkan semuanya terjadi dan yang melindungi saya hingga garis akhir. Putaran ini dan seterusnya saya percayakan pada Sang Pelindung. 

Terima kasih untuk satu tahun lagi karya-Mu yang ajaib, The Divinity.

Lucu

Hidup itu suka melucu, ya. Kalau merasa cocok, malah menghilang. 
Sedangkan yang begitu ingin, dirasa tidak pas. 
Ah, mungkin memang masih waktunya bermain-main... 
dengan waktu, yang tidak pernah kalah.

I Heard

"But maybe, that is who you truly are; you love your silence and you find tranquility on your own. Aren't we too attached to the standards and our minds bombarded with others' definitions? You should be thankful for having had that journey. You still are in fear, but of different matters. Changing mind is not always bad--as well as changing attitude. Although being alone is not always good, you know now that it's better than a false company. So, drop your hatred out and release yourself. You'll see that everyone is blessed with different beauty," she said.

So This Is It

I have been excited about my own birthday since forever. I remember hanging on my mom's legs and looking up above to tell her I was going to have my 5th birthday the next day. I was simply happy. Although my chemistry test result was burned out on my birthday, I was still happy. Even though I was crying over spilled birthday cake, I was still as happy as I could be. I celebrate, I contemplate, I am surrounded by loved ones. That is just enough to me.
I just turned 20 yesterday and right now, I just felt different.
Not that I did not celebrate or contemplate or surrounded by loved ones.
This time... I just felt contented. 
If some people said one changing year is a subtraction to lifetime, I would prefer to take it as cynical, without any grounds. I feel my glass is full and to me, knowing that one more decade is over in tremendously fascinating way, I cannot be more grateful.
So this is it. A whole new year, a whole new decade. If the past decade had moved me through one school to another, this decade I would face much different situation. Between student and professional, between professional and family-person. How fast time flies... How unbelievable influences I was exposed to have made me the way I am today.

Thereofore, I am writing this post for sending my unnoticed gratitude to anyone who has, aware or not, brought me to this point of life. Be it long forgotten friends, unrequited love(s), random strangers, or maybe you, who is not a stranger at all but distant at any extents.

Thank you, people, for letting universe collide your life paths to mine. Take care, have a great life and see you someday, perhaps.

Good night.

Set Me

"To want something (or someone) so badly is to set yourself vulnerable."

[This Sounds Horrible]

For the first time in my life, I'm losing reasons to be awake. I'm half-dead.
I have plans ahead but I choose to sleep instead. I'm losing the answers to "why?".
Where else should I look for the answers?

The Cruel, Cruel World

“We'd forgive most things if we knew the facts.” Graham Greene, The Heart of the Matter

A second to anger, hold on to yourself and see how much you actually are anxious, and most probably, mad at yourself. 

I recently figured out that people act as a form of manifestation of their own desperation, expectations and other influential backgrounds. 

I am....not good at maintaining relationships, with almost anyone. Yes, I admit it. I pick to whom I tell which stories. I barely spurt all things to one person. Risk diversification. Whatever, I only tell what I think someone deserves to know. 

And I just realize how hard it is to understand people. To also understand that their cruelties towards me is also constructed by fear, wounds and disbelief. Mostly I act the same way, I rarely a negative of the bad. 

I've grown up the hard way. I am a strong type.

And yes, most of the times, it is true.

But now, am I losing my strength? Or do I just need profound justification of my own disbelief towards anything important in life?

Do I sound too gloomy, eh? Hhh, no... this is only a consistent query, lately. 

Do I Miss You

I know you miss me. I know it. I just don't think I do too. I continued sleeping when you said that.

Blame this bustle.

Weird (Bad) Luck

These past days have been very weird. I've gone through several losses, but this time feels so different. It's just unexpected, like the whole universe is against me. I don't know why and I WILL always wonder why. Because I believe there must be something good behind this. Because I believe this is a meaningful journey I must pass through. And because simply I believe that God..doesn't play dice.
I'll be waiting for the hidden messages.

Little Freak

It's very preferable to have ability to let go and focus on other things quickly. But, I'm not that kind of person. I'm the one who makes plans and wants to have it all done my kind-of-perfect sequence. I'm insane. I'm dying inside.

If it really is mine to hold, what's the point of crying out?

I'm On The Edge

12:13. Kurang dari 12 jam sebelum tahun berganti jadi 2013. Gosh, this year has been flying at the speed of light. And I'm just missing my old excitement of new year euphoria.

Kenapa ya? Apa karena udah tua? Apa karena merasa materi ujian belum dipahami betul?

Entahlah, mungkin sekarang lebih asyik melihat sejenak ke belakang. Oh yeah, this year was such an awesome blast. Sepertinya semua rasa bener-bener dihadapi tahun ini. I feel complete as a human. Seneng, sedih, excited, lost, terharu, absurd, flat, butterfly in my stomach. Haha semua deh. Se-complete itu :'')

Seorang teman meramal peruntungan saya di 2012 di penghujung 2011. It turned out that ramalannya partly true, but mostly not as far as I remember. Mungkin karena ramalannya waktu itu bikin saya insecure mati-matian. Sampai saya tidur ga tenang supaya ga kejadian.

And maybe it's true for future-forecaster. Nobody, no single breathing-creature bisa meramal exactly masa depan kayak apa. We try as much as possible to predict future while we are silently aware that the joy of living lies in the mysteries it holds. We're just simply addicted to surprises. But we deny it, we simplify our lives, we minimize our risk of being hurt.

Tapi ada satu rasa yang paling bikin saya damai di siang hari yang indah ini: thankfulness. Ibadah minggu terakhir di 2012bener-bener menampar saya tepat di pipi. "Hidup ini hanya kasih karunia Tuhan," gitu kata Bu Pendeta. Exactly seperti yang secara magis berseliweran di hati dan pikiran saya belakangan ini.

Anehnya lagi, semalam sebelumnya,saya menatap mata seorang random di jalan yang somehow membuat saya ngerasa kalau saya perlu berbuat sesuatu, giving back to the universe that has been fulfilling my life.

Mungkin 2013 akan menjawab pertanyaan saya akan real passion saya, akan mau dibawa kemana hidup setelah lulus dari kampus kesayangan. Mungkin 2013 saya akan pergi ke suatu tempat random yang akan mengubah hidup saya selamanya. Mungkin saya akan jatuh dan sakit bgt untuk dapat jawaban tentang hal-hal krusial yang sering saya tanyakan.

Apapun itu, above anything, I just want to feel alive, to possess passionate excitements towards life. Dan saya tahu salah satu yang bisa bikin itu ya cuma dengan bermimpi...mimpi yang impossible sampai ga tenang buat tidur, menangis, dan bersujud di hadapan Yang Maha Kuasa.

Eventually, thank you very much, my dear 2012. It's been a superb, no, awesome, no..ah I just can't find appropriate word to describe you. It's been a ya-you-feel-it year.

And for you, the upcoming year, I'm ready for your mysterious surprises.

BRING IT ON! :D

Know Now

It recently clears to me that the first and foremost thing is sometimes behind the bars of society's "credential". How well environment could shape you, try to define who you are. And it's most likely for you to be trapped into that giant ease, leaving you with whole emptiness.

Guess what...it's the trick. Once you lose a grip, you'll be just running round and round. Because you have nowhere to go, you know no direction.

Lately

Don't rush things as there's always time for everything. Stand up little longer and just be thankful. For today. For yesterday. And for tomorrow. :)

Someday

So someday if I am about to be smug, remind me that along the way there are people who are generous enough to lend me part of their lives or their lives as a whole to get me up there. I will have literally had taken their helps.
And by doing that, I would know that...nothing to boast about.

Lesson Learned

I just learned that the biggest failures of my past are the ones I'm most thankful about.


:)

A Kind of Faith

There's no single way out for every trouble...for God is too marvelous.
And I don't wanna give up... for fate is constantly moving, towards predefined will. 
This is how I know that... He never fails.

Considering

I sluggishly head to complete my puzzle of a partner figure. Half-surprised, I'm trying not to look back yet fully understood I haven't found one. Beneath all, I'm consciously aware that they're rare in numbers.

I keep my faith boldly that he's somewhere in the crowd, or in silence, anyway.

Digitally Old

In the world where information is too easy to obtain, I should have known your siblings, parents, your high school memories, or your daily thoughts by now.

But still, I have no clue at all.

It's just like moving forward on the fast train while everybody, except you, heads toward. Not sure if it's you being ancient or it's your nature to be mysterious.



Whatever.

Be My April

It's only when you want something so badly that you can reach this kind of feeling.

An odd heartbeat that can only be detected when your attempt is either successful or even useless.

But you know that one day when the day has finally come, you'll look behind and smile...for what you've tried, for each failure, for each clarity, for everything.

...And now, let's head toward.