Random Thoughts

The value of your relationships weigh in the reactions of all parties towards hardships. Relationships are messy, yet it is very integral, if not the most crucial, in determining one's happiness. Hence, presence during storm is, for me, the most important factor to measure the depth and meaning of the relationship.

You could have all friends in the world, but you have been living a life of lies...

You could have a complete family, yet you fight alone...

True relationships see the deepest facts outside world can never see. They even embrace.





PS: I am okay, I am not sad.

23

Time ticked. And it was suddenly another round again. The round that I hope would be different. Would be exciting. Surely, it is mystery to be unfold until it is another round again. 

The thing is this is a funny age. This should be the era of important thing yet they are little, daily victories that, I believe, will slowly get me there - the place where I hope I should be. Surprisingly some things, some people, some place become no longer as crucial as they were. Unexpectedly those which get smaller, closer that now matter the most.

I have also seen this: anything I have now may not be permanent - it is always easy to be taken away and it can always change. By the force of nature, by the force of trials, even by the force of the unimaginable. 

But for these 22 rounds, He has never changed. He never fails me...

Life is a warfare. What you win is sometimes (or maybe most of the time) is a lost for somebody else. It is a battlefield - we are all granted with one giant chunk of gift that we kill each other to get a part of it. Often we get greedy and we want to have more parts that may mean, there is less for others.

It ends when you leave this battlefield. But that also means another warfare for others who would want to win your parts in this chaotic, unfair world.

Kamu dan Aku, Kekal

Aku senang, karena kenyatannya kamu dan aku kekal. Di tempat itu, di waktu itu. Kesementaraan tak mampu mengalahkan kenyataan, bahwa saat itu telah dikunci kekekalan.
Dan jiwaku akan terus menyimpan kamu dan aku dan kekekalan itu. Membisukan jarak yang kita ratapi. Membungkam waktu yang berkuasa atas kita. Yang ada hanya kamu dan aku dan kekekalan itu.
Walau kefanaanku menghapus rekam-rekam yang dirangkai dalam raga, jiwaku tetap bersorak. Karena kenyatannya kamu dan aku kekal. Di tempat itu, di waktu itu. Selamanya...

About Time

Banyak yang belum kita ketahui - yang tersisa menjadi pertanyaan. Katanya, takdir sering menitipkannya pada waktu.

GA 246 & TAXI AFG 001

Ruang dan waktu dan segala yang di dalamnya, pencatut keterbatasan manusia. Alangkah kurangnya kita. Takluk pada dimensi dan kala.

Tapi sepertinya, keterbatasan  justru mendefinisikan. Bukankah dengannya, makna jadi nisbi?

Seperti ketika melayang di angkasa, makin banyak yang dapat terlihat tapi raga tidak mampu menjangkau. Ingat, ada ruang.
Seperti ketika kita berpikir bahwa segala sesuatu kekal (apa itu kekal?). Ingat, ada waktu.

Sukar diakui, tapi kita suka bertarung melawan kodrat  - seakan semua sejauh rengkuhan. Kalau direnungkan, mengapa harus berletih melawan? Bukankah hidup di batasan-batasan itu menyenangkan?

Bukankah itulah hidup? Batasan?

Alasan

Manusia butuh alasan. Yang lebih besar dari dirinya sendiri.
Untuk mengerjakan hal yang lebih penting (bukan) bagi dirinya sendiri.

Satu Lagi

Dua dari 365 hari hampir lewat di usia baru ini. Cepat sekali. Rasanya baru saja membalas semua ucapan selamat, berterima kasih untuk doa-doa, dan tertawa di kejutan ulang tahun; kini hari baru bahkan sudah mau usai. Mungkin waktu memang berakselerasi di dekade baru. Dekade kepala dua rasanya akan cepat berlalu, meski banyak hal penting (seharusnya) terjadi. 

Pergantian hari adalah sesuatu yang amat biasa, tidak istimewa. Sebenarnya yang lazim disebut ultah tahun adalah ketika hari berganti dan putaran berulang lagi sehingga ditambahkan satu angka pada tahun - sekadar untuk mempermudah pengukuran usia. Angka satu tahun memang signifikan karena sesungguhnya semua orang kehilangan masa setiap saat. Jadi, kadang saya berharap ada transformasi besar-besaran di hari jadi.

Nyatanya, tidak. Saya masih manusia yang sama. Pola hari kemarin, hari ini, dan hari-hari lain pun mungkin akan sama.  Meskipun demikian, saya tahu akan ada hal-hal berbeda terjadi. Satu hari saya akan di satu tempat, di waktu lain saya merasakan sesuatu, dan di kesempatan lain saya akan bertemu orang-orang baru. Inilah mungkin yang membuat setiap waktu begitu istimewa. Perjalanan ini seperti terdiri dari rentetan kejadian yang berbeda, namun dengan pola yang mirip.

Bagian-bagian kecil yang disebut perasaan, kejadian, dan lain sebagainya, sungguh patut dirayakan. Mungkin bila tidak melihat ke belakang, bagian-bagian kecil itu jadi tidak bermakna. Dua puluh satu tahun sudah perjalanan saya. Dan saya belajar bersyukur atas bagian-bagian kecil yang membentuk keseluruhan besar perjalanan ini. Yang paling membuat saya bersyukur, saya tidak menikmatinya sendirian. Ada orang-orang lain yang ambil andil dalam perjalanan saya, bahkan beberapa di antara mereka adalah alasan saya jadi orang yang sangat bahagia kemarin.

Saya sempat berpikir apakah saya layak atas kasih sayang dan perhatian dari orang-orang tersebut. Rasanya saya belum pernah berbuat sebaik yang mereka lakukan. Tapi kalau dunia selalu ditimbang berdasarkan "kebaikan yang diterima berbanding lurus kebaikan yang diberi", sepertinya keseimbangan itu akan jadi satu-satunya keseimbangan yang tidak ideal, yang sia-sia. Tidak ada keistimewaan dan perayaan sukacita dari kelurusan itu. Karena itu, terima kasih, terima kasih buat setiap mereka yang membuat hari saya kemarin begitu istimewa. Tapi terlepas kemarin, terima kasih buat pengalaman yang saya nikmati dari mengenal Anda sekalian - dan Anda-Anda lain yang sayangnya melewatkan perayaan bahagia saya kemarin.

Terlebih bila saya ingat semua pengalaman dan kejadian yang terjadi, terutama di usia 20 kemarin. Tahun lalu adalah tamparan yang membukakan mata saya tentang siapa saya dan yang saya pikir adalah saya. Saya amat jauh dari kata pantas. Namun, (buat saya), saya masih diizinkan menerima bagian yang begitu luar biasa. Banyak hal penting terjadi tahun lalu yang membuat saya menyadari bahwa ada yang mengatur segalanya. Terima kasih, terima kasih yang begitu besar teruntuk kepada Sang Pengatur. 

Akhirnya, setelah hiruk pikuk selesai, realita kembali mengetuk. Tiga ratus sekian hari lagi sebelum putaran tahun mulai lagi dari nol. Semua masa punya misterinya masing-masing. Jiwa muda saya serasa ingin menantang apapun, mencicipi segala perasaan, dan mencoba semua yang diinginkan. Tapi, dalam hati, saya amat gentar membayangkan segala kemungkinan yang bisa ditawarkan hidup.

Mungkin satu-satunya kontrol yang bisa saya lakukan adalah penyerahan diri. Bahwa pada akhirnya, ada Satu yang paling menyayangi saya di atas segalanya. Yang mengizinkan semuanya terjadi dan yang melindungi saya hingga garis akhir. Putaran ini dan seterusnya saya percayakan pada Sang Pelindung. 

Terima kasih untuk satu tahun lagi karya-Mu yang ajaib, The Divinity.

Test

I just want to check whether.......................

Lucu

Hidup itu suka melucu, ya. Kalau merasa cocok, malah menghilang. 
Sedangkan yang begitu ingin, dirasa tidak pas. 
Ah, mungkin memang masih waktunya bermain-main... 
dengan waktu, yang tidak pernah kalah.

Waktu

Apakah kita berhak marah pada waktu, yang terlalu cepat merenggut tawa dan terlalu lama mengurung rana?
Apakah kita berhak kecewa pada waktu, yang terlalu sering membuang kesempatan dan menahan kita dalam bosan?
Siapakah kita? Tuan? Sungguhkah waktu tunduk pada tuan?

Sovereign

I have learned a bit that it is hard to control variables in social sciences' research. To daily life, this is so applicable. To limit our current consciousness -and feelings- only to present circumstances is immensely difficult. To be affected by previous happenings and future hope is indeed very human.

But sometimes, we need to put ourselves only at the present time. There are often too much distractions we need to avoid in order to keep ourselves on the ground. We need to gain control over ourselves.

This is just a never-ending battle between what we should be and what we are. All I know is that it has always been easier to stay on our default settings, the what-we-are.

However, only when we win this battle would we declare ourselves sovereign.

I Heard

"But maybe, that is who you truly are; you love your silence and you find tranquility on your own. Aren't we too attached to the standards and our minds bombarded with others' definitions? You should be thankful for having had that journey. You still are in fear, but of different matters. Changing mind is not always bad--as well as changing attitude. Although being alone is not always good, you know now that it's better than a false company. So, drop your hatred out and release yourself. You'll see that everyone is blessed with different beauty," she said.

To The End of It

Two days ago, I got home from my last trip on this holiday.
Liburan tiga bulan ini seru. Banget. In 2 months, I traveled 4 different places in 3 different countries. Merasakan mulai dari naik maskapai penerbangan bonafide ke sebuah negara maju sampai naik bus yang AC-nya mati dan harus dibenerin selama almost 3 hours (thanks Pindar, that experience completes my life). Merasakan mulai dari tulang dicabik dingin untuk menyaksikan keindahan alam yang surealis sampe shopping bikin bangkrut. God, thanks, thanks, thanks.

So, how do I feel now?
Lucky, partly. And empty fills the other part. The fact that I still need to complete a quest of arranging so-called life schedule threatens me somehow. Tetiba sadar aja gitu kalo gue harus bertanggung jawab sama hidup dalam waktu dekat. Maksudnya, in less than a year I may obtain my bachelor degree. You know, I'm thinking about "what next?". It scares me karena gue ngerasa disoriented. The last time I remember I really wanted something so badly ya Akuntansi UI sama Midsummer. Habis itu.....................

I need that kind of excitement. Haha kesannya kayak ga bersyukur bgt ya sama hidup. Ngga kok, bersyukur, bersyukur bgt. Satu-satunya yang jelas sekarang, gue tau kalo gue pengen keliling dunia. I am just being another Nadya out there. Bukan Nadya yang malas dan manja seperti di rumah. Turns out I am strong enough to wander around on foot for like 4 hours and lift 12 kg luggage.

Yesss, I need something that forces me to work beyond my limit.

Pertanyannya balik lagi: apa ya?

So This Is It

I have been excited about my own birthday since forever. I remember hanging on my mom's legs and looking up above to tell her I was going to have my 5th birthday the next day. I was simply happy. Although my chemistry test result was burned out on my birthday, I was still happy. Even though I was crying over spilled birthday cake, I was still as happy as I could be. I celebrate, I contemplate, I am surrounded by loved ones. That is just enough to me.
I just turned 20 yesterday and right now, I just felt different.
Not that I did not celebrate or contemplate or surrounded by loved ones.
This time... I just felt contented. 
If some people said one changing year is a subtraction to lifetime, I would prefer to take it as cynical, without any grounds. I feel my glass is full and to me, knowing that one more decade is over in tremendously fascinating way, I cannot be more grateful.
So this is it. A whole new year, a whole new decade. If the past decade had moved me through one school to another, this decade I would face much different situation. Between student and professional, between professional and family-person. How fast time flies... How unbelievable influences I was exposed to have made me the way I am today.

Thereofore, I am writing this post for sending my unnoticed gratitude to anyone who has, aware or not, brought me to this point of life. Be it long forgotten friends, unrequited love(s), random strangers, or maybe you, who is not a stranger at all but distant at any extents.

Thank you, people, for letting universe collide your life paths to mine. Take care, have a great life and see you someday, perhaps.

Good night.

There is A Light

There's a light within us that shall shine tirelessly.
Be it our own ambition. Be it a melodious name. Be it piles of dime. Be it...anything or anybody.
You know, we have always been and will always be lucky, for having at least a reason to live.

There's a light within us that should never go out.

Set Me

"To want something (or someone) so badly is to set yourself vulnerable."

[This Sounds Horrible]

For the first time in my life, I'm losing reasons to be awake. I'm half-dead.
I have plans ahead but I choose to sleep instead. I'm losing the answers to "why?".
Where else should I look for the answers?

Regol

Life in FEUI is such an unending bliss. I just finished my 7th regol, only two to final. I was the one who picked up randomly because there's a joy in surprising class mates. So I could know more people from different backgrounds. But this time is different. I planned with whom I wanted to be with in every class. I'm settling down with some close friends.

I'm so old :''')

On one evening, I finally found a remedy. Although I lost such big times, I had really great time. Yeah I tell people different pieces of story. My bad. But good news is those different minds are plentiful basket of inspirations and answers to questions I can't answer myself. I'm so blessed.

PS : We definitely shouldn't be mad at people over some crazy expectations we tailor on their characters. It's their freedom to live their own. Get a life.